


Sleepless in Wakanda

by Ellana17



Series: All is Fair in Love and War [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Nightmares, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Team Dynamics, Wakanda (Marvel)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 04:28:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20221804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellana17/pseuds/Ellana17
Summary: Tonight, Natasha was alone. The others were asleep, or at least trying to sleep. She heard a whimper coming from Bucky’s room that broke her heart.Or: Natasha and Bucky are both a bit broken. Maybe that's okay.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I’m apparently all out of luck with shipping these days. I fell in love with the Bucky/Natasha pairing a few months ago while reading Ed Brubaker’s Captain America run. But after watching Endgame… Let’s say I need some cheering up.

They had risked everything for him.

Over a decade ago, Natasha would have said that getting attached to people only made you weaker. That was what she had learnt during her training. The girl who had entered the Red Room was not the same who had come out. Fearless and ruthless. Remorseless. Killing required something more – or something less, Natasha thought. The girl she had been had slowly lost pieces of her soul which each passing days as she trained to kill.

Clint had wanted to save her without even knowing her, so Natasha understood more than anyone else why Steve wanted to save his best friend. She also knew more than anyone else that nobody could save you from yourself. They could reach out a hand but the decision of actually taking it ultimately rested in Bucky’s hands alone.

After leaving the US and taking refuge in Wakanda, Natasha had taken to wandering the facility the nights she could not sleep. When the exhaustion of intense training was not enough to keep the nightmares at bay, there was nothing she could do but wait the night out. Guns. Handcuffs on her bed headboard. Guns again. Killing. Always killing. Blood on her hands. So much blood she could have drowned in it.

After a few hours, Natasha would usually go back to their shared quarters and sit down on the couch and read a book, or listen to nothing but silence and try not to think too much about her past. The guilt was chocking her. Some nights, she woke up feeling like she could not breath, chocking on the blood of her victims.

She was not the only one having nightmares. She knew her teammates well enough by now to know exactly what was troubling them. Sam usually woke up screaming, dreaming of Riley’s death. Wanda was reliving the loss of her brother. Steve was seeing Bucky fall to his death over and over before falling himself.

Some nights, Wanda would come out of her room and would curl up on the sofa next to Natasha. She had apologized for using her abilities against them and showing them their worst fears. She had seen it all but instead of being afraid of Natasha, that knowledge had made them closer.

Sam would turn up some nights and watch boring documentaries. Steve would take out his sketchbook and draw. Only Bucky never got out of his room at night. They could all hear him yell in Russian but they had no idea how to help. They could not even deal with their own nightmares, let alone Bucky’s.

Only Steve was brave enough to venture into the Winter Soldier’s room when he was having a nightmare. Good thing the serum helped heal up the black eye he got the first night.

Tonight, Natasha was alone. The others were asleep, or at least trying to sleep. She heard a whimper coming from Bucky’s room that broke her heart. Thinking about what Clint had done for her all those years ago, she pushed the door open silently and stepped inside the room. She saw Bucky turning in his bed before sitting up suddenly, breathing hard, pieces of hair sticking to his sweaty forehead, his eyes wide with fear.

The man stared at her but Natasha could tell by his empty gaze that he was still stuck in his nightmare.

“I shot you,” he said with a raspy voice.

“On the bridge,” she said, taking a few steps forward. She sat on the edge of the bed slowly. “You got my shoulder because I let you.”

Bucky shook his head. “No, we were in Europe… Moldavia, maybe… No, Ukraine I think. I shot right through you to get to my target.”

“So you do remember,” Natasha mumbled.

“I’m starting to remember a lot of things I’d rather not. It comes at night.”

“You have nightmares,” she said quietly. The man looked away. “We all do,” Natasha added.

She wondered why she had come to his room. She had no idea what to tell him to make him feel better. She was not like Clint, caring and attentive. She was not like Sam, who knew exactly what to say in any circumstances. She was not like Steve, who always managed to inspire people to be better. Despite all that, Natasha felt drawn to Bucky, she wanted to help him if she could. She knew first hand he would not be able to ever forget or forgive himself for the blood on his hands but there might be a chance he learnt how to live with it. Most days that was all they could hope for.

“Do you- have nightmares, I mean-” Bucky said in a small voice.

Natasha wrapped her arms around her legs and rested her chin on her knees. She sighed. “Of course I do.”

She was not sure she wanted to get into that right now.

“What about?” he asked.

Natasha could have walked away. She did not have to share anything she was not confortable with but she wanted to. For some reasons, she felt she could trust the man. She knew he could easily break her neck with one hand but she trusted him not to do it.

“There was a fire,” she finally said. “I was working for the KGB at the time, using my skills to… get rid of some people. I had a mission and I was ready to do anything to get it done. I was ruthless. Merciless. The best in what I did and that’s why they gave me that particular assignment. I- I started a fire in a hospital- as a distraction. I can still hear them screaming.”

Bucky nodded slowly. He looked even paler than before. She was making things worse for him simply by being there. She needed to leave. Now.

Bucky’s next words made her stop.

“You were part of the Black Widow program.”

“Did Steve tell you that?”

Bucky shook his head. “I remember you. God, I- I remember watching you train one day. You were the best they had.”

“I know.”

“Did you know who I was?”

“I didn’t. You were wearing a mask, remember?” Bucky nodded slowly. “I would have told Steve. He spent months looking for you, you know.”

That made him smile. “That punk. Always ready to fight a losing battle.”

“He cares about you.”

“The man he knew is gone. I’m not that man anymore.”

“So what,” Natasha said. “You’re here now. You’re still alive. That has to count for something, right?”

“The things I’ve done-”

“Won’t ever go away. No matter what you do, no matter how many people you save. It won’t erase what you did. It doesn’t mean you can give up.”

“How do you do it?” he asked quietly.

Truth was Natasha knew that without Clint and Fury, she would have gone off the deep end years ago. It had not always been easy, letting them in, but they had never given up on her.

“Let your friends help you,” she finally said.

“Steve won’t-”

“Steve will understand. You don’t need to protect him anymore. Believe me. Let him take care of you for a change.”

She saw him nod half-heartedly and she knew she had not entirely managed to convince him. She would need to try again. After all, it had taken Clint years to get through to her.

Oddly enough, Natasha was not against the idea of spending more time with him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we go from angst to smut in record time but I guess that’s normal.

Bucky had finally taken to come out his room at night and share the couch with the rest of them after having a nightmare. He would bicker with Sam over the remote, share stories about pre-serum Steve fighting guys twice his size and generally open up around the team. Even Wanda who still had trouble adjusting to the team after all this time had warmed up to him easily, probably because he reminded her of her brother, Natasha suspected.

Natasha was glad to see him adjust so well even though his whole demeanor was starting to be a problem for her. She was starting to like the man. Natasha never had had any problem controlling men. Using her charms to manipulate them and take whatever she needed from them had become second nature at that point. Everything was faked, staged and carefully planned. The only people around whom she had ever allowed herself to truly be herself had been Fury and Clint. It had taken her a while to start to truly trust Steve but the man had slowly earned her friendship. Even Sam had become more than a mere coworker.

Bucky however had woken up something in her, something she had tried to bury deep inside during all these years. Up until that point, she had not even been sure she was still able to feel such feelings towards someone. She felt close to him. But what she felt for him was different from the affection she felt for Clint or Steve or god forbid even Sam. It was something deeper. She knew she would do anything to make him feel safe. To make him smile.

When their late night meetings in his room became more, Natasha feared the change it would bring to their relationship. She wanted to let go but was too afraid to do so. She had worked so hard to take charge of her own life again that she had trouble letting go for even a moment.

When Bucky lifted her shirt above her navel for the first time, Natasha saw him freeze. “I did this,” he said quietly, staring at the scar on her stomach. He looked sickened. “I did that to you without a second thought.”

“It wasn’t you,” Natasha told him, whispering in his ear.

“Doesn’t make it right,” he replied at once.

“Hey,” she said, grabbing his chin and making him look at her. “Stay with me, okay? You’re here now with me. Are you here?”

He nodded slowly.

“Good.”

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“Don’t thank me yet,” she said with a smirk as she slipped a hand in his pants.

“God, Tasha,” he groaned.

Bucky lifted his arm but stopped before reaching her neck.

“You can touch me,” Natasha told him quietly. “If you want to.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. I’m not- I’m not scared of you, you know.”

“You should be.”

“I know you won’t hurt me.”

“I already did once. Twice even.”

“I trust you,” she told him simply.

Then, she wrapped both her hands around him, making him gasp. Bucky’s hand finally made its way to her hair, gently grabbing the back of her head, and crashed their mouths together. His tongue in her mouth made Natasha’s head spin. She kept stroking him, the mere idea of feeling him inside her making her wet already. She pressed herself against his broad chest, kissing him more deeply.

“Tasha,” he whispered.

Bucky delicately took her hands in his and steered them away.

“If you continue like this I-”

“I want you inside me,” she suddenly said.

“Yeah,” he nodded, wide eyed. “Yeah, okay.”

They did not even take the time to take all their clothes off properly.

“Wait, I don’t have anything on me,” Bucky suddenly said.

It took a moment for Natasha to get what he meant by that. She chuckled and reached into her pants pocket. Bucky looked at her in surprise.

“S.H.I.E.L.D. protocol,” she explained. “Those are really useful to collect samples when we need to. I guess old habits die hard.”

Bucky stared at her. “That’s a weird-ass protocol,” he pointed out.

“Are you complaining now?” Natasha asked with a smirk.

“No, of course not.”

Natasha chuckled. She suddenly rolled on her back, looking at Bucky, daring him to say anything. She trusted him no matter what. He would just have to get used to it.

Natasha could not help the moan that escaped her as he entered her. The feeling of him inside her, of his arm wrapped around her waist, of his tongue inside her mouth was intoxicating. She was burning up. She grabbed the small of his back as he slammed inside her, making her shake all over with each thrust. Bucky kissed her breasts through her bra and she grabbed a handful of his shirt, tightening her grip as she came, moaning his name as shockwaves of pleasure ran through her body. She clenched around him and he suddenly stopped moving, burying his face in her hair as he came.

Natasha could have stayed in Bucky’s arms forever. She was feeling safe for the first time in a very long time.


End file.
